2 Reasons Why You Might Be Attracting Someone Less Than You Deserve
You can improve your choices with a new way of curiosity.
My roommate and I have been looking for a new tenant to live in our flat for the past few months. It’s a difficult process, to say the least. Next to no applicants have been reaching out to us given the untimely nature of our situation.
Despite only receiving a couple of applications within the first few months, we still had non-negotiables. We weren’t exactly looking for a new best friend, we just wanted a nice, well-rounded tenant that wouldn’t interfere with the harmony we’d created in our living space.
In our search for the perfect roommate, I noticed something. That is, we’re so pedantic about the values and characteristics of a potential tenant that’ll live with us for, at most, perhaps one year. And yet, when it comes to dating, most of us are far less picky.
We settle for people much more readily. Our standards drop, despite the fact that this person may well be in our lives for as long as we live. It’s as if we accept people into our lives based upon how we see ourselves. Or, as Bill, the English teacher said in The Perks of Being a Wallflower,
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Is this true? Perhaps. Regardless, it sheds light on an important issue that many of us ignore. Are we entering relationships with people that are right for us or people that seem right at the time?
Invest in your self-worth.
The mistake we often fall into is putting other people’s worth before ours. Why is this? Perhaps, for many of us, it’s simply that we were praised for being too kind or too good when we were kids. These qualifications made us see ourselves as good people. And, in our efforts to remain a kind-hearted individual, we often strive to be morally more acceptable even when it’s detrimental to our own wellbeing.
I used to believe if we’re blindly altruistic, it doesn’t matter if our heart falls into pieces. Our heart would heal itself. And yes, sometimes it heals eventually, and it should be our daily goal to show up as a good individual in the world. But this doesn’t mean we should abandon our duty to care for ourselves.
“When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” — Paulo Coelho
So what’s the alternative? Are we doomed to a lifetime of self-sacrifice in the name of love, or can we do something about it? The good news is that we can. It all comes back to self-love. That is, investing in our sense of self-worth. It’s important that we learn to love ourselves deeply. Not only how we look, but how we walk, talk, sit, laugh — everything about ourselves.
Why is this important? Because, unless we’re able to feel comfortable in our own skin before entering a relationship with another person, we’ll always feel insecure and as though we have to lean on them for support. Cultivating self-love enables us to become our own support system — a support system that will never leave our side.
When we think our life isn’t as glamorous as other people’s, it’s hard to not put pressure on ourselves. If you’re mentally in that place right now, know that you’re worthy even when you don’t feel that way. Start by changing your beliefs about who you’re. Remember the right things you’ve done or things that other people have appreciated about you. Your worth can manifest from your strength, talents, and kind heart.
As you become aware of yourself this way, you’ll act on knowing your worth and your needs rather than what others want from you.
Be curious about yourself.
During the initial stages of courtship, we tend to focus more on the other person than we do on ourselves. What are they going to look like? How is their personality going to be? Do they play sports? Do they read? Are they trustworthy? What if they break my heart? Am I going to feel safe with them?
All these questions relate to only one person. And they’re not about the person we should be most worried about. We’re the ones who will be destroyed when our heart is broken. We’re the ones who need to match the other person’s interests. It’s not all about them.
In our efforts to find the perfect suitor, perhaps we should be flipping these questions on their head. That is, to question whether we are ready for them. Are we where we need to be in life? Are we secure and comfortable enough in ourselves?
In the end, we can only ask for what we have in return. If my roommate and I weren’t living respectfully, we wouldn’t be able to demand it in our new potential roommate. Approach dating in the same way.
Become the person you want to attract every day. How do you do that? Question what parts of your life don’t align with what you look for in a relationship. If you feel safe only in others’ presence, create a sense of safety within yourself first. If you want your potential partner to take care of his mental health, ask yourself if you do the same for yourself. Fill the void before expecting someone else to do that.
Final words.
When it comes to love, we usually focus only on what the other person does and who they’re. It’s like our world starts to turn around them and they’re the only person who is in the relationship.
But relationships aren’t only about the other person. It’s also about us and how we perceive ourselves. While you’re curious about them, also be curious about who you’re. While you want to make them happy by meeting their expectations, also invest in the person you should be most concerned about.
Why is it important that we don’t forget about our needs?
Because as James Allen said, “We do not attract what we want, but what we are.” So, discover yourself and become the person you want to attract. Make choices that match your real self-worth, not the level of self-worth you think you have.
*This article is based on personal experience and research. Please consult an expert for your personal experience if needed.*
Mind Cafe’s Reset Your Mind: A Free 10-Day Email Course
We’re offering a free course to all of our new subscribers as a thank you for your continued support. When you sign up using this link, we’ll send you tips on how to boost mental clarity and focus every two days.
